50 Years and Another One On Its Way

Flannel Diaries
Jul 22
4 min read

Updated: Jul 23

“Authenticity without empathy is selfish. Authenticity without boundaries is careless.” — Adam Grant

My birthday is coming up in five days, and I’m turning 51. Reflecting on these 50 years of living and adulting, one thing is clear: many people assume they have access to me, my time, my energy, my emotions. The truth is, they don’t. Most haven’t earned that kind of personal access.

We live in a victim-blaming society where bad behavior is excused everywhere we turn. That’s privilege in action. It’s exhausting to witness, and I witness it regularly.

Our reality is steeped in hypocrisy. It’s acceptable to watch violence on TV -- people being raped, mutilated, and killed -- but it’s not okay to see a woman’s nipple when she’s breastfeeding her baby. We talk about democracy, yet politicians seem intent on codifying discrimination and limiting the freedoms of women, LGBTQ+ folks, immigrants, differently abled, and people of color through law.

As a nation, we’ve lost sight of what we truly stand for because it feels like we’re falling for anything, brought to you by this or that billionaire. It’s gross.

It’s okay to believe what you want and exercise your personal freedoms. It’s not okay to believe your beliefs are righteous and infallible to the point of fascism. I don’t think the Constitution or the Bible were ever intended as weapons to harm or destroy others. Sure, anything can be twisted into a weapon, but those two documents were created to bring people together, provide guidance, and offer a blueprint for being good, as a nation and as human beings.

We live comfortably in this country while ignoring its painful history: genocide of Native peoples, the enslavement of African Americans followed by segregation under Jim Crow laws, and ongoing racism against the Black community. The continued xenophobia toward immigrants. And a horrifying record of violence against women and children. One in four women report being raped; each year, 2,000 children die from abuse or neglect. Yet, we blame trans people for the violence and abuse caused by cis-straight men.

We fool ourselves if we think prayer or “traditional family values” alone will fix this nation. Oh Mylanta, that has never saved anyone...let alone an entire country. What we really need are people who care. Leaders who care. Who care about each other regardless of race, gender, religion, socioeconomic status, ethnicity, political beliefs, physical abilities, or mental capacity. We all have the ability to care and show kindness. Show our humanity.

But kindness isn’t something we teach well. We train people to kill and subdue but don’t teach compassion and empathy. Yes, some will take advantage of our kindness. More often than not. Yes, scammers exist. Don't fall for that Nigerian Prince or Princess. But that shouldn’t stop us from being thoughtful and concerned. God forbid, show each other love.

Caring.

Kindness.

Thoughtfulness.

Concern.

Compassion.

Honesty.

Integrity.

Courage.

We can all embody these traits. Standing up, speaking out, calling people out. That’s how we begin to heal and create a safer society. We must have zero tolerance for as$holish behavior. People like to call it being "real." Being a real arsehole, more like it.

Because when we allow poor manners and awful behavior to persist, we normalize a culture of violence, cruelty, and disrespect.

It begins with us. It begins with me.

If not me, who? If not now, when?

As I step into my 51st year, I commit to honoring my own boundaries, protecting my energy, and demanding respect, not only for myself but for everyone. I invite you to join me. Let’s choose empathy, courage, and kindness every day. Let’s hold ourselves and others accountable. Let’s be the change we want to see.

If I plan on living another decade or two on this planet, I want to be the change I seek, and live in a world I actually want to keep living in. Looking away when awful things happen, like the growing unhoused population, deepening political division, and the traps of post-capitalism, is no longer an option.

Here’s an example of our community’s willful blindness: In Rochester, we’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on strategies to get rid of crows downtown. Multiple solutions so Mayo and the City can keep up appearances as an amazing, thriving metropolis. Yet, I regularly encounter the unhoused population here, and it’s deeply depressing. It’s a revolving door of pushing people to the margins (jail), then off to underfunded nonprofits that don’t have the staff or resources to address the poverty, untreated mental illness, and substance abuse plaguing this community. And just to be real: the unhoused population is part of Rochester. Suppose businesses, Mayo, and the city can invest time, resources, and energy into chasing away birds. In that case, I believe it’s time to seriously start figuring out how to address human suffering here. #IMHO

In the end, to live a good life, we must let go of the things that keep us chained.

Here’s to growing older, wiser, and stronger, either together at the least individually.

For my birthday, I don’t want anything for myself. Not gifts, not your time, not tokens of appreciation. I can buy myself a cake and do all the things that make me happy.

What would truly bring me joy is this:

Please donate to a local charity working with the unhoused population.
Feed someone who’s hungry if you’re able.
Volunteer with a shelter.
Offer compassion, not judgment.
Give someone else a reason to believe life can be less awful...even for one day.

Bonus: Learn to golf and then come golfing with me.

That would mean the world to me.

Thank you.

Be kind to yourself and each other, always.