Drowning in Unhealed Trauma: Fourteen Years Later

The truth about Asal? She was battling a lot of internal demons. She lied, schemed, and hurt people, including me. I’m not here to make excuses. She hurt me when she pushed me away and ended our friendship. And she hurt me when she took her own life.

The other day, my friend Kimi and I were laughing about some of our chaotic adventures with Asal, and she said, “I bet Asal would be tickled pink knowing we’re still talking about her.” She absolutely would be.

This one story pretty much sums her up: it was the early 2000s. I was freshly free from my latest ex and trying to decompress on the couch. I’d just eaten a "funny" brownie when there was a knock at the door, Asal. She came in totally unhinged, ranting about how our exes were probably sleeping together now. I told her, “I don’t care. Let them. We’re broken up.”

She was pacing, manic energy on full display, killing my buzz. I remember saying, “Calm your tits, Asal. I’m trying to relax here, and you're harshing my chill. Stop obsessing over what they could possibly be doing. I don't really care or I'm trying not to anyways. They don’t deserve our energy.”

Somehow, through her conspiracy theory logic, she convinced me to go on a sapphic espionage mission to “confirm” her suspicions. Classic. She had no boundaries, was wildly persuasive, and loved a good fate-driven quest, flipping coins to make decisions like heads, which bar to hit, or tails, whether to even go out at all. We were in our twenties. Directionless and lacking purpose. We had lots of fun. We also had some truly painful moments.

Asal was my best friend for years. And it’s devastating to realize that I didn’t really know her. At all. I loved her like family, like a sibling. But eventually, I had to let go of who I thought she was and see the truth: she was drowning in unhealed trauma. And being around her, I was drowning in it too. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with her pain and mine at the same time. I was losing my dad. Already grieving. Already exhausted.

I will always love her. The her that I only knew. Now, that part of my life is done. I don't regret the friendship, but I do mourn what could’ve been. When she died, the consequences of her choices ended. So did her opportunity to be accountable. And I’ve had to keep forgiving myself for wishing she’d made different choices.

I don’t agree with what she did, but I understand why she did it.

Asal was brilliant. She was charismatic. And I wish she’d used her power for good. When she was mentally well, she was extraordinary. But when she wasn’t… she did some really shady, damaging things. She betrayed people’s trust. She hurt people emotionally and financially. And what hurts most is, she didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. She didn’t give me a choice. Everyone deserves redemption. She never gave herself that chance.

Generational trauma is a bitch. Healing is possible, but only if you're willing to seek and accept help. That’s it. That’s the whole sad secret.

If you're struggling, get help. Real help. Deep, consistent, compassionate therapy, especially the kind that can address generational or historical trauma. This world can be brutal to soft hearts, neurodivergent minds, misfits, and creatives. But we can still choose to heal.

I think I’m okay, mostly. Some days I’m just so very tired. But I’m still here. I’m still living. And maybe that’s part of the work now, staying alive and telling the truth for those who couldn’t. “Get busy living or get busy dying,” as Red said in Shawshank Redemption.

Asal once posted on my Facebook, months before we stopped speaking, “Would you still love me if I was a Republican?” Back then it was an easy yes. Now? We’d definitely need to talk about it. LOL. Miss you, friend. I hope you found peace. Cheers!

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please know that help is available. You are not alone. In the U.S., you can contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 or visiting 988lifeline.org for 24/7, free and confidential support.

Please reach out. Your life matters. ❤️