Lent 2025 Day 17: Letting Go, Trusting the Journey

Philippians 3:13-14 – “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

It’s not just about letting go of the bad stuff. It’s about figuring out what good things should take its place.

Am I just projecting past childhood hurts? Maybe. I love candy—who doesn’t? But I knew I needed to cut back on sugar. So, I made a deal with myself: if I work out for an hour, I get to have dessert. I know that’s not how it works, but isn’t that what we do? We negotiate—allowing bad habits if we balance them with good ones. That’s not really how it works.

Maybe I’m the problem.

I’ve been in a lot of relationships—each significant in its own way. A friend once told me dating is like stepping on rocks to cross a river. But the way she described it stuck with me: imagine that the rocks are the tops of the heads of the women you’ve dated. Each one gets you closer to the other side, to the person you’re meant to be with. At the time, I thought it was a dark but interesting visual.

Jessica, my friend who told me this, was in her early thirties—one of those sporty butches who dated a lot. We played on a women’s softball league together. That’s how we met. I was bartending at Triple Rock, one of the first microbreweries in the Bay Area. The team would come in, order pitchers of beer and plates of nachos. Their captain kept trying to recruit me to play, even though I had a terrible throwing arm. I could hit a ball, but my aim? Garbage.

Eventually, I gave in—mostly because I thought I needed more women friends. I was still with my girlfriend at the time. We broke up while I was still playing on the team.

We started out as the worst team in the league. By my third year on the team, we won our division.

That’s the thing—I believe in teamwork. I believe every person’s role is important. If one person doesn’t do their part, someone else has to pick up the slack. That happens in relationships, too.

I take full responsibility for my part in any breakup. Maybe I wasn’t the reason we broke up, but I know I participated in the downfall. Either I didn’t do enough, or I did too much. Maybe our shitty dynamic was the reason we didn’t work.

Life feels complicated right now. Sometimes, I don’t know how to move through painful emotions. So, I just sit in them. Feel sorry for myself. I regret things. I replay memories and hate how I treated some of my exes—or how they treated me.

People say, “I didn’t see the breakup coming.” But is that really true? Either you had terrible communication, or you were lying to yourself. Because if you’re observant, if you’re honest, there’s always a feeling in your gut.

Most of us ignore it.

For years, I disregarded my gut feelings because I didn’t trust them. Trauma will do that to you. But as I get older, I’m learning to differentiate between fear and intuition. Is this a fear response? Or is my intuition telling me what I already know? I’ve learned to listen to my body. It tells me what’s right, what’s wrong, and what direction I need to go.

Back to the rocks across the river analogy. I think, at this point, I have enough rocks to get across.

Lenten Reflection: Embracing the New

Lent isn’t just about giving things up. It’s about making space for something better.

🔹 What habits or beliefs am I holding onto that no longer serve me?

🔹 What do I need to replace them with?

🔹 How can I trust my own wisdom, experience, and intuition as I move forward?

Lent is a season of reflection, surrender, and renewal.

It’s time to stop stepping on rocks and start walking forward with confidence.

📖 Read my Lenten Reflections: flanneldiaries.com (link in bio).

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