Lent 2025 Day 30: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

"Check yourself. Sometimes you are the toxic person. Sometimes you are the mean, negative person you’re looking to push away. Sometimes the problem is you. And that doesn’t make you less worthy. Keep on growing. Keep on checking yourself. Keep on motivating yourself. Mistakes are opportunities. Look at them, own them, grow from them and move on. Do better, be better. You’re human. It’s okay." – Unknown

I've spent my whole life trying to do the right thing and be a good person. That can mean a lot of different things for a lot of different people. But for me? It means trying to move through the world with integrity—even when no one is looking. And because of that, my karma comes quickly.

I tried to steal a candy bar when I was a kid—not because my mom couldn’t afford it, but because I wanted to see if I could get away with it. Right before I made it out the door, the grocer stopped me and asked if I “forgot to pay.” I was nine. I doubt I was slick—shoving a candy bar down my pants wasn’t exactly Ocean’s Eleven. My mom was with me. She was embarrassed. She paid for it. I didn’t eat it. And when we got home, let’s just say I learned that day how swift Filipino discipline could be. I didn’t go back to that store for a long time. And I never tried to shoplift again.

I tell my friends I didn’t want to have sex before marriage—not just because I was raised Catholic—but because in 7th grade health class they showed us a giant picture of genital warts. Let me tell you: that moment rewired my brain. I think that’s when I officially became a germaphobe.

I’m not perfect. I have plenty of faults, and I work daily to be a better version of myself. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to express feelings. That took a toll on my relationships. Depression made it hard to know if I was just sad or if I was breaking. I started therapy in my early 20s. That was huge. It was the '90s. Prozac was new. Therapy was still taboo. I thought taking medication meant I was weak. I thought depression was something I could just walk off. I thought it was just situational. It wasn’t.

I carried shame around my mental illness for years. I rarely talked about it—not with friends, not with partners. That silence, that stigma, was heavy. I've lost two close friends to suicide. Since then, it’s been my mission to destigmatize mental health. Especially now. Especially with the world as chaotic as it is. We need space to talk about what we’re going through. Without shame. Without judgment.

One in four people live with a diagnosed mental health condition. That’s not small. That’s not rare. So if you're feeling foggy, forgetful, unmotivated, exhausted, or just… off? You’re not alone. That’s real. That’s human.

Most anger? It’s sadness in disguise. For a long time, I didn’t cry—I snapped. I got short. Defensive. Irritated. I masked sadness with anger because sadness felt too vulnerable. And let me tell you—experiencing microaggressions your whole life feels like death by a thousand cuts. That kind of chronic, ambient pain becomes part of your wiring.

So yes—I’m warm. I’m generous. I give all of myself until I can’t. Then I shut down. I freeze people out. It’s not always graceful. It’s my trauma response. Fight, flight, freeze. I fight. And when I can't fight, I disappear emotionally.

But here's the thing: I know this about myself. I work on it. I go to therapy. I read. I reflect. I own my shit.

We can't be strong all the time. When I’m mentally tapped out, I retreat—not because I don’t care, but because I need to regroup so I can care again. I’m learning I don’t have to win every argument. I don’t need to die on every hill. And I’m definitely not staying in relationships—romantic or platonic—that make me question my sanity.

I’ve been working hard my whole adult life to be healthy, whole, and high-functioning. And I think I’ve done a damn good job. I’m an amazing friend when I’m treated with care and respect. But if you use me? If you lie? Manipulate? Drain my energy for your own selfish gain? Peace out.

I don’t need that in my life. I’ve built too much to be brought down by someone who hasn’t done the work.

Lenten Reflection: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

“Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”  – Proverbs 4:26-27 (NRSV)

Lent isn’t just about giving up soda or sugar—it’s about checking ourselves. It’s about being honest. Sometimes we are the problem. And that doesn’t make us worthless—it makes us human.

🔹 What patterns am I repeating that are hurting me or others?

🔹 When have I mistaken independence for isolation?

🔹 Where do I need to offer myself—and others—grace and accountability?

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a practice. And growth is messy. But we keep showing up. Because healing matters. Because we matter.

📖 Read more reflections at: flanneldiaries.com

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