Third Sunday of Lent · International Women’s Day – Celebrate All the Women!!

Today was the first day I got to golf outside again at Willow Creek with my friend Tamsen, and it was glorious.

When you live somewhere like Minnesota, you forget that the places that bring you peace are real places. For six months, they might as well not exist. You hibernate indoors all winter and then suddenly one day you're back outside, walking fairways again, wondering why on earth you live somewhere you can only golf half the year.

It felt good to be outside. Even if the grass is still mostly dead and brown. And the fairways were wet and muddy. And the greens made putting challenging. More than usual.

Nine holes. Fresh air. Talking about golf and life with someone I’ve been playing with for years.

It reminded me how much I love my golf league women.

The camaraderie.

The encouragement.

The way we celebrate each other when someone hits a good shot.

Sometimes that celebration also includes adult beverages like White Claws. Which honestly feels very on brand for women’s golf.

And it made me think about something.

International Women’s Day is supposed to be about celebrating women.

All women.

Even the ones you don’t particularly like.

Because if we’re being honest, women can sometimes be… complicated with each other.

Competition.

Jealousy.

Envy.

Those things creep into female friendships when people feel like they’re competing for the same space, the same opportunities, or the same person’s attention.

Growing up, I never really understood women competing for the male gaze. Mostly because I never thought I qualified for it.

I didn’t look like the girls on magazine covers when I was growing up. So the message I internalized early on was that I probably wasn’t pretty enough to be wanted by men. Then I came out and realized I didn’t want to be wanted by men.

Which, ironically, turned out to be a strange kind of Freedom. Because if you grow up believing you don’t need that validation, eventually you stop chasing it.

And once you stop chasing it, you also stop competing with other women for it. This reminded me of something from when I first came out.

When I came out in high school, most of my friends were gay men. I had a whole feral pack of them. Wonderful humans. Great for emotional support. Slightly less helpful if you're a baby lesbian trying to meet women.

Most of my straight women friends were busy talking about their boyfriends. Which again, great for them, but not exactly advancing my sapphic agenda.

So like everything else in my life, I approached the problem like an assignment.

“Okay Vangie. If you want more lesbian friends… you should probably go where the lesbians are.”

At the time I had exactly one lesbian friend, and she had already graduated and joined the Army. So I was basically on my own.

For a while I spent more time in gay men's bars getting hit on by men who thought I was a hot young gay guy than actually meeting women to date.

Eventually I figured out the obvious solution and joined a women's softball league sponsored by the microbrewery where I worked.

That league was full of older lesbians. Most of them were in their thirties, which when you're twenty-three feels ancient.

Turns out older lesbians are excellent teachers. Not in that way. I was in a relationship by then.

Back then the culture was very butch/femme. That was the framework we had in the 90s. We were all figuring out how to build a community that didn’t have many visible examples yet. At the time I was considered a soft sporty butch. Think chivalry, but with better communication skills.

The dynamic was simple. Butches were friends with other butches. We dated femmes. Of course there were exceptions, but the structure was pretty recognizable.

In a weird way it functioned like the dude-bro friendships we saw growing up… except we were women, so we actually talked about our feelings. Which meant those friendships were often deeper than people expected. Looking back now, I learned a lot from those women.

How to show up for people.

How to be supportive.

How to treat the women you date with care and respect.

Honestly, if men want to know how to date women, they should stop listening to those ridiculous red-pill podcast bros and spend a few hours talking to older masc lesbians. Masculinity does not have to be toxic.

We’ve been doing the princess treatment as the bare minimum for decades. Trust me. We have the data. We're adult women who date other adult women. It’s not rocket science.

Which brings me to someone I dated about twenty years ago.

Looking back now, that relationship might have been the closest thing to an idyllic partnership I’ve ever experienced, or would ever want.

If I imagine the version of love that would probably fit me best in life, it would look a lot like what I had with her.

She was a beautiful person inside and out. Funny, kind, and wonderful. She loved me when I was broken and had nothing.

And I didn’t think I deserved it. Or deserved her.

And honestly… I was kind of a jackass.

But timing matters.

And the version of me who met her wasn’t the version of me that exists today.

At that time I was still climbing out of a very toxic relationship. The one with the woman who broke up with me every month. Her ghost haunted me for a long time. I was hurt, confused, and honestly not very emotionally healthy or vulnerable. I guess in today’s language you’d call me... avoidant.

She wanted to be girlfriends. And I remember telling her I needed to think about it. When I finally came back and said yes, she said no. Her exact words were basically, “If you had to think about it, then you probably aren’t ready to be committed to me. Or anyone, Vangie. I can't keep falling in love with your potential.”

She was right.

And I get it. If it's not a clear hell yes, then you don't want it.

Twenty-eight-year-old Vangie was not ready.

Sometimes the right people show up in our lives, but you are the wrong person for them.

And sometimes the lesson isn’t about getting the person back.

Sometimes the lesson is simply recognizing the gift they were when they appeared.

And I cherish that I had the opportunity to love her. That someone like her exists. Because it reminds me that love like that is possible.

And maybe one day the right person for me will show up, and I will be the right person for her. And the time will be right for the both of us.

Lent is a season where we’re supposed to take honest inventory of our lives.

Not with shame.

Just honesty.

And if I’m being honest, I’ve been very lucky to have known some extraordinary women in my life.

Friends.

Partners.

Golf league teammates.

Mentors.

Women who supported me.

Women who challenged me.

Women who showed me what love and friendship could look like in different seasons of life.

So today, on International Women’s Day, I’m choosing to celebrate all of them.

The ones who stayed.

The ones who left.

And even the ones who taught me the uncomfortable and hard truths.

Because every one of them helped shape the person I eventually became.

And honestly, that’s worth celebrating.

Lenten Reflection

"My beloved spoke and said to me, 'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.'" ― Song of Solomon 2:10–11

The Song of Solomon reminds us that love is one of the great gifts of being human.

Not just romantic love, but the kind of love that shows up through friendships, mentors, partners, and the communities that shape us.

Sometimes those people arrive in our lives when we are ready.

Sometimes they arrive when we are still broken, confused, or learning who we are.

And sometimes the season simply isn’t right yet.

But that doesn’t make the love any less real.

Lent asks us to take honest inventory of our lives. Not just the mistakes we made, but the grace we were given through the people who walked beside us for a time.

The Song of Solomon says, “See, the winter is past.”

Sometimes the gift of love is simply remembering that winter never lasts forever.

Take care of yourself.

Take care of each other.

#lentreflections2026 #40days40nights #internationalwomensday