Updated: Dec 4, 2020
#Covidtime Blog Reboot
Sometimes life happens and then a global pandemic hits and gives you lots more time on your hands to dedicate to a blog about your navel gazing life outtakes.
Why Flannel Diaries?
There is a long-running joke among my friends about my wardrobe entirely consist only plaid flannel long sleeve shirts. That's not true. It also consists of short-sleeve plaid shirts for the warmer spring and summer months. It is what it is, and I like what I like. Moreover, I look good in plaid. Butch lesbians are also known to be recognized in the wild by their flannel plaid shirts. Not everyone that wears flannel is a butch lesbian, it's a stereotype, more often than not every butch lesbian owns a flannel. There is a level of truth behind all stereotypes. Don't take my word for it. Look in their closet.
I've always had unique experiences when it comes to dating because I think I just have a unique way of looking at life. As I navigate my middle ages as an out single-gender-nonconforming cis-female butch presenting person. I've thought it was always a good idea to chronicle my adventures or misadventures more like it when it came to dating.
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Let your plaid flannel freak flag fly!
I Been Mental and Emotional Balanced
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03292020:
Mood: Woo Woo
I'm cleaning the townhouse. I was telling my friend it's like metaphorically cleansing my soul. It made me thing about the scene from "Bruce Almighty," after Bruce decides to grant everyone's prayers which creates a mess on Earth. He finds God (Morgan Freeman) and ask him to help fix the mess Bruce created by allowing everyone to have what they want (not need). God gives Bruce a mop and then once they finishing mopping God tells Bruce, "no matter how filthy something gets you can always clean it right up," Bruce responds with, "there were so many I just gave them what they wanted." God, "but, since when do people have a clue about what they want...everybody wants me to do everything for them. The truth is what they don't realize is they have the power. If you want to see a miracle, be the miracle." We have always had power in us to fix our own lives. No matter how messy it gets. A little help from your friends doesn't hurt either.
I was telling my friend on the phone that i was tired of all the people in the world who don't give a shit about other people and only about their own personal interest. Look at the mess we're in now because we have leaders who care more about the bottom line than saving humanity. That sacrificing a few people is no big deal cause it doesn't directly effect them. I don't want to be part of that negative bullshit. And then, she asked what I was planning to do next? I'm not really sure, but I know that I want to bring light back into the world (not like an electrician). But, I just want to do good work in the world and be kind to people. We are all capable of being the miracle. Now more than ever we need people to step up and be the miracle.
We also talked about dating during the time of COVIDrona19. That we need to get all Jane Austin up in here and write people poetry to woo them. Which is fine because lesbians seem to like to move quickly in relationships. As my family and friends have advised me I probably shouldn't be dating now, or ever. Perfect time for a plague.
Here's my love poem to my Social Media-fam:
It's okay to not be okay.
It's not okay to be a dick.
Don't be a dick.
Be good and kind.
I'll love you forever.
Across oceans and time.
You'll be in my heart.
So, stay smart.
Wash your hands.
You're saving lives.
Staying distant but still close.
In my thoughts and wishes.
Keep cool.
Don't be a fool.
Stay home.
When COVID is over.
I'll buy you a beer.
We can then gaze into each others faces.
Jesus, what did you do to your hair.
I ❤ you!
Cheese. 🧀
It's So Hard to Say Goodbye
#COVID19 Social Emotional Physical Distancing Log Day 030282020
Mood: Tired
I'm moving out of the townhouse I shared with my ex this weekend. Our lease finally ended, and we still had to interact (very limited) with each other for the past four months. It has been a bizarre and at times contentious tie that has binded us together even after our breakup. It's both sad and freeing to know I no longer have to communicate with her about anything. And, I would imagine she probably feels a sense of relief to not have to deal with me, ever again
Isn't it amazing how you can love someone so completely that you want to build a life with them. And then the next day they want nothing to do with you and would be perfectly happy to never see your face again. That's some messed up shit right there. I don't know. Is that really love or something else? Whatever it is it's still soul crushing and heartbreaking. Especially, when they move on so quickly as if you never really mattered or that you were that replaceable. You start to wonder if the feelings they had for you were ever truly real.
So, where does that leave me? Trying to figure out what kind of love I deserve. I don't lack for confidence or self-esteem. I live my life in a way that I don't need to put other people down to feel better about myself. If people are found wanting that's them not me. Haters gonna hate. However, this last breakup has really taken a toll on my confidence and ego. Which, is really weird for me. But, it has been an emotionally exhausting year and has taken every bit of mental fortitude I could muster to get to this place. Knowing that I am enough. And, I am becoming the person I used to be and the person I missed connecting with.
I don't like feeling anger or resentment towards people, especially towards people I once loved. Time does heal broken hearts. Not in the way we think or hope it would. I used to do an activity with students about bullying and how your words could hurt and harm or help and heal. I would have them crumple up a heart shaped piece of paper then say mean things to it, stomp it on the ground, but don't rip it. I'd then tell them to say sorry to it and then try to flatten it out and make it like it was before. I said it's impossible, right, to get back to the way it was? Imagine all those wrinkles in the paper are the mean words you said to it. You can say sorry, but you can never take back the mean words or the harm you inflicted on the other person. Like our hearts there will always be an emotional scare from the bullying words or emotional abuse. I know what I'm doing with my words and actions. I don't try to pretend otherwise. If I know I'm in the wrong the best apology I can give another person is changed behavior. I'm not perfect. But, I'm trying.
Goodbyes, suck. Change is uncomfortable. I can't go back I can only look ahead and hope for the best. And, I only hope for the best for my ex.
As above. So below.