Updated: Dec 4, 2020
Pushing Through Obstacles and Achieving Your Goals
#COVAD19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03242020
Mood: Playful
I used to be engaged to a minister, we had been together for seven years before we Consciously Uncoupled. The words I think we used was, "we were no longer called to be together." In some weird way it was a very appropriate way to separate from a minister. Kayla, my ex, and I moved to Rochester ten years ago. Right after my dad had passed away. We went to the Philippines together to see him before he died. But, before we left for the Philippines and for adventures unknown we went to her church that she was a 'minister-in-training,' Skyline Community Church in Oakland, CA. We went to the Sunday service before we were traveling out of the country. During the service they had a Unison Prayer at the time we were going through some life transitions and globally we were experiencing a recession. I felt that the Unison Prayer would be appropriate for what is going on in the world, now.
It goes something like this:
God is our refuge and strength,
A loving presence in time of trouble.
Though waters roar and mountains tremble,
We need not fear though the earth may change.
Who among you will respond?
We are here -- I am here -- to embody God's love in this world.
O Blessed One, You know all hearts.
You are ever with us; may love guide our lives.
In the name of all those who have come before us seeking truth and love,
Let us add our names, Amen.
We are the Light and the Blessings of the world here to do good work and deeds from our hearts.
I hope you are surrounded by people who love, care, and support you. If you are not able to be together physically I hope you are keeping each other in your hearts. Please do not make life decisions from a place of fear. It never ever turns out well. Stay safe. Stay home. Wash yo hands!
Godspeed
Updated: Nov 28, 2020
Coming Correct
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03232020:
Mood: Reflective
I had to leave the house and go to Target to pick up some jalapenos, especially if we have to be quarantined for another week or two I need to ensure that I'm utilizing the 100 rolls of TP I have stashed (not really -- I'm making jokes). They surprisingly had eggs at Target, so now I can make that frittata with jalapenos. Folks are missing seeing other people they work with. The same people we usually complain to our friends and family about. The ones who are always asking idiotic questions and eating your food out of the work refrigerator you feel compelled to send them emails asking them how they are doing. Ha. Isn't that an interesting turn of events.
I was missing my friend Kimi in California. We usually just talk on the phone, she's one of the few people who hates to go back and forth on messenger. I decided to video chat with her, and she told me she has never done it before. I popped her messenger video cherry. She was sweetly tickled by the filter feature. It's like video chatting with your grandparents. I truly did miss seeing her face. We've known each other since I was 25 and if we do the math right that means she's known me for 20 years. It is totally possible for me to have a long-term relationship with a woman. Sure, it happens to be a friendship, but still we have been through a lot together. And, that truly means something. She could probably tell you a lot of great adventures that we had together and she probably could also tell you how much I've changed since I was 25.
No, things are not going to be the same once the self-quarantine is lifted and we flatten the curve. The jobs we had before will start to look different. We're not going to go back to normal and we shouldn't. Because, the normal that we lived before got us into the situation that we are in today. We can't go back, we can only move forward and hope for the best. Learn from our mistakes and be better off for it. I posted something on my Instagram story that said, "After all of this is over, all that will really matter is how we treated each other."
For some reason I was thinking about this one Tom Hanks movie, "The Man with the Red Shoe." Tom has the COVID-19 and his wife, too. Not in the movie, but in real life. That movie is typical 80s comedy that uses mistaken identities and multiple plot lines. A practical joke played by the friend who's wife the protagonist is having an affair with is the start of a slap-stick string of hilarity and ridiculousness. I think the point of the movie is that no one wins from deception and the one's who aren't playing the game end up winning. Reminds me of another movie I enjoyed, "Knives Out." If you haven't seen either, you should watch both. We seem to have lots of time on our hands to watch lots of movies.
"In the end, how we treat each other is what matters the most."
#Pandemic2020 #LifeGoesOn #QuarantineDiaries #pandemic2020 #refreshandrecenter #lifegoeson #socialdistancing #powedereddonuts #WearAMask #refreashandreboot #hopefloats #socialdistancing #GlowUp #FlannelDiaries #LivingMyBestMidWestQueerLife #Butch #Gendernonconforming #MasculineOfCente #FlannelDiaries
Updated: Nov 28, 2020
Let's Get This Party Started
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03222020
Mood: Not Dead
I would imagine tomorrow Minnesota Governor Tim Walz will implement "Sheltering in Place." What does that mean? You need to stay inside a structure to temporarily separate yourself from the hazardous outdoor atmosphere. Basically, don't leave your house unless it's an emergency. We'll have to "Shelter in Place," until we get the all clear. In China, they would patrol the streets and ask people where they were going and then tell them to go back home. I'm preparing for another week or more to do basically what I've been doing for the last week.
I'm going to be completely honest with you and just say I had a very difficult day. I've been struggling with the question of why would my ex want to hurt me over and over again. I know that she knows what she did hurt me. She also tells herself she's just living her life and wants to be happy and what she thinks and what she wants is all that matters. I know this because this is a theme of hers she'd repeat throughout our relationship. Which most healthy people with empathy would be able to recognize that her behavior was hurtful. It's difficult for me to want to be happy for her and wish her well when she was so mean about everything. I will eventually move through these feelings and find a way to build myself back up again. Forgive me for falling for her trap and her web of bullshit kindness (transactional love, really). I don't care if she ever recognizes how harmful her behavior was and that she won't ever admit what she did was wrong because she believes what she did wasn't wrong. That's also one of her many toxic traits, she's always the victim; the one wronged in her life and relationships. Even if she's the one that ends it, there's always a reason it ended which most of the fault lies on the offending party usually not her. If you don't think you're doing anything wrong you wouldn't sneak. That's when I knew. She started sneaking and her attitude change so quickly because then the devaluing and discarding started happening. Once she found someone else to give her the love and attention she craved and wasn't getting from me (not the way she wanted, anyway), I was no longer valuable to her. I have value and it doesn't feel good to be treated as if you don't. I didn't stop loving her, I just realized I needed to start loving myself more. So, yeah, it hurt, and at some points during the day when I think about the way it all ended, I feel like I'm dying inside. I guess a part of me has to die so the best parts of me can live and thrive once again.
Being alone while this whole COVIDemic-19 is happening out there I've discovered a lot of peace. In my head and in my heart. The only drama that I'm experiencing is what I can find on Netflix and the news. I had a friend from back in the days who reminded me of the times we would go dancing at the White Horse. It's a local bar/club in Oakland, CA. It was the typical local gay bar (because it's the 90s & 2000s) the carpet was sticky from years of spilled cocktails. The dance floor was small but big enough for us to dance and make fools of ourselves. Who was it that said, "youth is wasted on the young?" I'm not exactly sure if that's true. Because, to be honest with you; I had an amazing time and enjoyed my youth. I was surrounded by wonderful, amazing, and supportive human beings.
When we finally are allowed to leave our homes and gather with more than 100 people, I'll go to a local queer club and dance. I may be 45 (now 46), but I'm not dead.
"A lot of people enjoy being dead. They are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life." -- Ruth Gordon (From Harold & Maude)
#Pandemic2020 #LifeGoesOn #QuarantineDiaries #pandemic2020 #refreshandrecenter #lifegoeson #socialdistancing #powedereddonuts #WearAMask #refreashandreboot #hopefloats #socialdistancing #GlowUp #FlannelDiaries #LivingMyBestMidWestQueerLife #Butch #Gendernonconforming #MasculineOfCente #FlannelDiaries