Updated: Nov 28, 2020
Let's Get This Party Started
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03222020
Mood: Not Dead
I would imagine tomorrow Minnesota Governor Tim Walz will implement "Sheltering in Place." What does that mean? You need to stay inside a structure to temporarily separate yourself from the hazardous outdoor atmosphere. Basically, don't leave your house unless it's an emergency. We'll have to "Shelter in Place," until we get the all clear. In China, they would patrol the streets and ask people where they were going and then tell them to go back home. I'm preparing for another week or more to do basically what I've been doing for the last week.
I'm going to be completely honest with you and just say I had a very difficult day. I've been struggling with the question of why would my ex want to hurt me over and over again. I know that she knows what she did hurt me. She also tells herself she's just living her life and wants to be happy and what she thinks and what she wants is all that matters. I know this because this is a theme of hers she'd repeat throughout our relationship. Which most healthy people with empathy would be able to recognize that her behavior was hurtful. It's difficult for me to want to be happy for her and wish her well when she was so mean about everything. I will eventually move through these feelings and find a way to build myself back up again. Forgive me for falling for her trap and her web of bullshit kindness (transactional love, really). I don't care if she ever recognizes how harmful her behavior was and that she won't ever admit what she did was wrong because she believes what she did wasn't wrong. That's also one of her many toxic traits, she's always the victim; the one wronged in her life and relationships. Even if she's the one that ends it, there's always a reason it ended which most of the fault lies on the offending party usually not her. If you don't think you're doing anything wrong you wouldn't sneak. That's when I knew. She started sneaking and her attitude change so quickly because then the devaluing and discarding started happening. Once she found someone else to give her the love and attention she craved and wasn't getting from me (not the way she wanted, anyway), I was no longer valuable to her. I have value and it doesn't feel good to be treated as if you don't. I didn't stop loving her, I just realized I needed to start loving myself more. So, yeah, it hurt, and at some points during the day when I think about the way it all ended, I feel like I'm dying inside. I guess a part of me has to die so the best parts of me can live and thrive once again.
Being alone while this whole COVIDemic-19 is happening out there I've discovered a lot of peace. In my head and in my heart. The only drama that I'm experiencing is what I can find on Netflix and the news. I had a friend from back in the days who reminded me of the times we would go dancing at the White Horse. It's a local bar/club in Oakland, CA. It was the typical local gay bar (because it's the 90s & 2000s) the carpet was sticky from years of spilled cocktails. The dance floor was small but big enough for us to dance and make fools of ourselves. Who was it that said, "youth is wasted on the young?" I'm not exactly sure if that's true. Because, to be honest with you; I had an amazing time and enjoyed my youth. I was surrounded by wonderful, amazing, and supportive human beings.
When we finally are allowed to leave our homes and gather with more than 100 people, I'll go to a local queer club and dance. I may be 45 (now 46), but I'm not dead.
"A lot of people enjoy being dead. They are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life." -- Ruth Gordon (From Harold & Maude)
#Pandemic2020 #LifeGoesOn #QuarantineDiaries #pandemic2020 #refreshandrecenter #lifegoeson #socialdistancing #powedereddonuts #WearAMask #refreashandreboot #hopefloats #socialdistancing #GlowUp #FlannelDiaries #LivingMyBestMidWestQueerLife #Butch #Gendernonconforming #MasculineOfCente #FlannelDiaries
Updated: Nov 28, 2020
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log 03212020:
Mood: Thoughtful
I decided in my 30s that when I turned 40 I would start playing golf. I thought it was a good sport to play in your 40s. After I turned 41, I decided it was time to start playing golf. I found out that my friend Amy M. played golf and I asked if she could teach me how to play. I never played in my life besides putt putt golf and the driving range once. I was terrible. That was the extent of my golf history. I played multiple sports in high school, tennis, basketball, track & field, and, I also, played on a women's inter-mural softball team in my 20s. So, I'm a fairly athletic person, even though I don't look like it. I can certainly hit a tiny ball with a stick. The game of golf is way more complicated than hitting a little ball with a stick and getting it into a little hole without going into the woods, pound, or sand trap.
I went and bought a cheap set of clubs because I wasn't even sure if I'd like it or not. I met up with Amy at the Lewiston Golf & Country Club, it's actually a very farm country, 9-hole golf course, surrounded by corn fields. It was a perfect place to play my first round of golf. Which I was surprised to find out we were going to do after Amy showed me the basics of swinging a club and keeping my eye on the ball. I guess the best way to learn how to play is to play. I was awful, but I was hooked. I loved it. and Amy was very patient and kind with me. I truly appreciated her teaching and guidance. It was the best day, hanging out with a good friend, searching for my ball in the cornfields, drinking some beers, and eating a chicken sandwich in the clubhouse. What more could one ask for on their day off? Being quarantined in my home makes me long for the day I get to be on a golf course.
I always thought golf was an old white man elitist game and it didn't seem very accessible to folks like me. I was even surprised at how much I loved the game of golf. No, not everyone has 4 hours to spend playing 18-holes, but if you do it's the best thing to walk a golf course on a warm, clear sunny day taking in the view and fresh air. Most of the time there's no one else out there. I play with friends, but I've realized I enjoy playing by myself. It's the only time that I don't think about anything else except hitting that little ball into that little hole and making sure it doesn't fly into the pond, again. I now own a very nice set of clubs that are not very cheap. It was I'm single and I can buy whatever I want gift for myself after L (two exes ago) and I broke up almost three and half years ago.
Golf is a lot like life. You can make a spectacularly awful shot at one moment, but the next shot you take can be spectacularly beautiful. Persistence. Patients. Practice. Three things that can help us all get better at something especially golf. I'm good at a lot of things because I enjoy learning and I have a tenacious personality. I'm never going to go pro, but every golf season I get a little bit better. Also, golf helped rehabilitate my back after my back injury in 2018. It took two years, but my back has never felt better. And, if you've herniated a disk it sucks. How about three. It triple sucked. C'est la vie. That's life.
#GolfIsLife #Pandemic2020 #LifeGoesOn #QuarantineDiaries #pandemic2020 #refreshandrecenter #lifegoeson #socialdistancing #powedereddonuts #WearAMask #refreashandreboot #hopefloats #socialdistancing #GlowUp #FlannelDiaries #LivingMyBestMidWestQueerLife #Butch #Gendernonconforming #MasculineOfCenter #FlannelDiaries
Updated: Nov 22, 2020
#COVID19 Social Distancing Log Day 03202020
Mood: Meh
It's been a month since my mom passed away. Technically, my siblings and I are orphans. My dad passed away in 2009 from lung cancer. My dad found out he had lung cancer in 2007 and the first thing I did was figure out how much longer he had to live. WebMD at the time gave him 2 to 5 years, he was turning 70 and was supposed to come to the states with my mom and nephew to have a family reunion and we were going to celebrate his birthday. Instead, he returned all their tickets and went to a hospital in Cebu and then had 80% of his left lung removed by a Dr. who told him he'd save his life. My sister, who's an oncology nurse, told my dad he should come back to the states and she'd take care of him. However, my dad was a narcissist and believed he knew better than my sister and wanted to live. He paid for hope. There's nothing wrong with that. If he had chemo and radiation instead of just removing most of his lung he may have had more than two years, but that's nor here nor there.
I miss my mom. Even though we were separated by 5000 miles and oceans and continents I knew if I wanted to visit her I could. Even though, I'd have to spend 16 to 30 hours on a plane to see her. COVID-19 happened at an awesome time in my life. I know, I know my life has been a dumpster fire. I did really need a break from my regularly programmed life. I know that my mom and dad were proud of me. They of course had plenty of commentary about how I was living my life not that I was gay, but I think my parents worried that I would be alone. Instead of giving me relationship advice, they taught me how to be fiercely independent: balance my checkbook, change a tire, darn a sock, cook, clean, and all the things I needed to know to take care of myself. I appreciated that they were so thoughtful. But, I also wondered why they didn't think I could maintain any long-term romantic relationships?
I'm fine. Everything is fine. I haven't left the house in a couple of days, so I'm doing my part to help save the world. No, really, I'm doing well. Just trying to figure out if I've been living my life right. If not, what do I need to do differently? Cheers.