Updated: Nov 22, 2020
#COVID19 Social Distancing Log Day 03202020
Mood: Meh
It's been a month since my mom passed away. Technically, my siblings and I are orphans. My dad passed away in 2009 from lung cancer. My dad found out he had lung cancer in 2007 and the first thing I did was figure out how much longer he had to live. WebMD at the time gave him 2 to 5 years, he was turning 70 and was supposed to come to the states with my mom and nephew to have a family reunion and we were going to celebrate his birthday. Instead, he returned all their tickets and went to a hospital in Cebu and then had 80% of his left lung removed by a Dr. who told him he'd save his life. My sister, who's an oncology nurse, told my dad he should come back to the states and she'd take care of him. However, my dad was a narcissist and believed he knew better than my sister and wanted to live. He paid for hope. There's nothing wrong with that. If he had chemo and radiation instead of just removing most of his lung he may have had more than two years, but that's nor here nor there.
I miss my mom. Even though we were separated by 5000 miles and oceans and continents I knew if I wanted to visit her I could. Even though, I'd have to spend 16 to 30 hours on a plane to see her. COVID-19 happened at an awesome time in my life. I know, I know my life has been a dumpster fire. I did really need a break from my regularly programmed life. I know that my mom and dad were proud of me. They of course had plenty of commentary about how I was living my life not that I was gay, but I think my parents worried that I would be alone. Instead of giving me relationship advice, they taught me how to be fiercely independent: balance my checkbook, change a tire, darn a sock, cook, clean, and all the things I needed to know to take care of myself. I appreciated that they were so thoughtful. But, I also wondered why they didn't think I could maintain any long-term romantic relationships?
I'm fine. Everything is fine. I haven't left the house in a couple of days, so I'm doing my part to help save the world. No, really, I'm doing well. Just trying to figure out if I've been living my life right. If not, what do I need to do differently? Cheers.
Updated: Nov 22, 2020
#COVID19 Social Distancing Log 03192020
Mood: Melancholy
Its been raining all day. Now I think it's starting to snow. Yay!
I think people are over-estimating their ability to be self-quarantined in their homes for longer than anticipated. This might be a well needed break for many, but this can be anxiety inducing for many, many more. It hasn't even been a week and I've been seeing posts from some of my friends who are starting to get pushed to their growing edges. Other's are posting positive and uplifting messages which is great. But, I think it's mostly to cover up the sheer terror folks are experiencing inside of them. No one has a clear vision of what this is going to look like on the other side.
Spending uninterrupted time with yourself and/or your family in your homes without distraction of after school activities and never ending professional responsibilities can start to reveal something about who you think you are and who you are in the world. The idea of essential employees has changed. They are now all the health care workers, public servants, service workers, grocery stock people, and the folks who continue to keep the grocery and medical supply chain going. The fear and flattening of a pandemic has revealed the breakdown of our social systems our structural systems in general. I can talk about the importance of competent leadership, but I'd be wasting my breath. I'm been talking about the importance of good governance for years. However, it isn't until our unwavering faith in the idea of, "what will be will be," isn't the best policy to protect the health and wellbeing of a nation. I've always been a fan of preventions and interventions. Because, now, over-reacting seems to be an appropriate way to respond to a highly contagious viral infection that can kill all of us.
Yes, staying home and keeping safe distances from others, and practicing impeccable hygiene will keep many of us alive. The byproduct of COVID-19 won't just be learning best practices and tactics to fighting a pandemic. The other byproduct will be our collective realization of what we once believed to be so important is either not as important as we thought it was or more important than we could have ever imagined. Your job. A handshake. A hug. Socializing. Toilet Paper.
Community and human connection is important. We are social creatures and even if you consider yourself to be a self-proclaimed introvert, you still long for human connection and a sense of belonging. My friends and family are very important to me and I assume others would feel the same. I have no relatives here in Rochester. I have created a large network of people, but I have a very small group of close friends in my inner circle who I would consider to be like family. Which was a huge reason I've been able to thrive in Rochester and chose to stay instead of moving far, far away. The world is changing. We are going into a recession. The last recession brought me to Rochester. It will be interesting to see where the next recession takes me.
The Light at The End of the Tunnel is a Dumpster Fire
#COVID19 Social Distancing Log Day 03182020:
Mood: Good Hair Day
It's no secret that the last five or six months of my life haven't been particularly spectacular. To be honest there have been moments I've felt as if my heart was torn out of my chest and then stomped on. Whenever I thought things were starting to look up and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel; I was shocked to find out that the bright light at the end of the tunnel was the glow of a dumpster fire. My life is a dumpster fire. Would that be the title of a Country Song of Punk Song?
With the wonderful forced opportunity to stay home with ourselves, I've had plenty of time to do some introspection. Asking the question, "What the eff is happening around here?" I've stepped into a telenovela: breakup, mom dying, pandemic, etcetera, etcetera… the carnival ride seems to never end.
I'm moving out of my townhouse at the end of the month. I spent two years trying to create a home with my Ex and her kids. It's heartbreaking to say goodbye to a dream and life you workedincredibly hard to build. But, it's time. I was talking to a friend the other day about the difference between a house and a home. I can have a beautiful house filled with nice things, but a home is the people who live there. The warmth and energy you feel from the people you share your life with. That's the difference. The townhouse I shared with my Ex is half-empty, but it's still beautiful. I've been spending a lot of time, here, by myself. I've realized I do enjoy my own company. I'm very witty and a great conversationalist and I'm a fairly decent cook. Of course, I miss the people that I shared my home with, but I've also come to understand it's okay to be alone. I needed to be okay with creating a home for myself. By myself.
In the past few months, I've shared some things that haven't always been uplifting and maybe on the verge of being mean and shady. But, I've never been anything but honest. Being emotionally vulnerable hasn't been easy for me and doing it on social media doesn't always come across, well. It has been viewed by some as confusing, unlike me (beneath me), negative, and depressing. If you haven't been through what I've been through, I don't think anyone has room to judge or understands what's truly in my heart or what I share on social media. Grief isn't just something you get over. It's something that you experience over and over again and it doesn't show up the same way every time for everyone. Loss of a partner, a friend, or a parent they all have their individual special feelings of sorrow and despair. It hurts. It fucking excruciatingly hurts. It changes the molecular structure of your heart and soul. The added benefit of experiencing the death of a loved one is questioning one's mortality. And, I also had a nice existential crisis with my meaning and purpose while being in another country with the looming danger of COVID-19 in the backdrop.
So, what's the point of me saying all of this? It's the 20th day of #Lent and I decided to give up what does not bring me joy. What doesn't bring me joy is holding on to anger. What brings me joy is forgiveness. I don't regret the two years that I spent with my Ex. I truly appreciate her and learned a lot about myself by being with her. I know I am a better person, because of her. And, I only wish her the very best. We may have said some extremely awful things to each other, for me, underneath those angry words was hurt. But, it is time to heal the hurt. It is time to move forward and say goodbye to a house and move towards a home that has been waiting for me all along.
We are going through an unprecedented time which we have never experienced in this modern age. Every day is unknown and ever-changing. When it's all said and done, nothing will be the same. There will be a new normal. There's no reason to hold on to old grudges that no longer serve my higher good. However, it doesn't mean that what happened was okay. It just means I don't give a shit anymore.
Namaste.