“No act of virtue can be great if it is not followed by advantage for others. So, no matter how much time you spend fasting, no matter how much you sleep on a hard floor and eat ashes and sigh continually, if you do no good to others, you do nothing great.”
― St. John Chrysostom
"John Chrysostom (c. 347–407, Greek: Ἰωάννης ὁ Χρυσόστομος), Archbishop of Constantinople, was an important Early Church Father. He is known for his eloquence in preaching and public speaking, his denunciation of abuse of authority by both ecclesiastical and political leaders, the Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom, and his ascetic sensibilities. After his death in 407 (or, according to some sources, during his life) he was given the Greek epithet chrysostomos, meaning "golden mouthed", in English and Anglicized to Chrysostom." (Source: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4589154.John_Chrysostom)
I was raised Catholic, however throughout the years my faith has changed many different times and in many different ways. What I have found that works for me is my faith in being a good, kind, and compassionate servant to people. If there's a G-d, she'd want us to do all the things to make the world a better place. Even through all the BS. A lot of the Bible stories I like are one's that are about being different. Even in the face of adversity if you feel that what you are doing is right, even if people disapprove of it, and it's not harming anyone, keep doing it. In the end you're the one that has to live with yourself and your decisions. Good, bad, or whatever.
My ex, who's a Pastor of two churches would tell me, "You create your own Heaven and Hell. You don't have to wait for the afterlife to experience it. We are experiencing it every single day." I might be paraphrasing, but that's the jest of it. Being someone who manages my mental health, I've lived in a Hell I've created in my mind. Many of us do.
Lent allows me to reboot. To let go of something that no longer serves me, and allow space for good things to replace the bad. With some folx in Rochester we started a Mutual Aid Network. For the next 40 days of Lent I'll share with y'all people & groups in the community we can support. Neighbors helping neighbors. And that's a good thing.
We are made of gold stardust and we will return to gold stardust.
Be well. Stay safe. Take care.
#Covidtime Log Day 02152021:
I've taken a pause from the dating, but have started to consider getting back on the dating app horse. Is that even a good metaphor? Probably not but we'll go with it. What I have recently discovered in my middle-agedness is that every time I date someone and it doesn't work out my standards elevate. I don't really need to be in a relationship because I am a completely whole and loveable being on my own. I do enjoy the company of women, and relationships do have lots of health benefits. I have always enjoyed being a partner to someone and I'm quite good company. You can ask any of my friends. You can ask most of my exes and they'd tell you, I was a really good girlfriend until I wasn't. Usually when we're heading towards a breakup and then I'm just a selfish prick. I can totally own that and admit that breakups are hard. Is there a good way to break a person's heart? Probably not, but I think just being honest and hurting them quickly it's neither painless or ideal but probably the most compassionate way to go.
I feel like anything involving other people and their feelings is just a difficult minefield to navigate. I've had relationships/situationships flip so quickly I didn't know which way was up sometimes and probably had been dumped or ghosted before I even had my first cup of coffee. Woow. Let's take a breath.
I know who I am, I know what I want, and I won't settle for just anyone or any relationship. Saying all that my problem isn't finding people to date. Finding the right person for me to date has been the quest of a lifetime. I know she's out there. Hiding, obviously.
As one of my friends told me I've aged really well, and that she thinks I'm a much better version of myself today than I was a year ago. I was kind of having a nervous breakdown a year ago. Not my best look. Nevertheless, things have to be destroyed for there to be space to build something new. Something better.
As I grow older I start to settle more into the person I am becoming. I have less patients for foolishness. For other people's emotional trauma they ignore or refuse to work on. I got my own stuff I'm trying to heal. Do not expect me to be your savior or your healer. I'm not a Dungeons & Dragons Wizard. You are your own savior. You are your own healer. If there is someone out there who is willing to confront their own demons and can say, "is that all you got?" I want to meet you. I am an amazing person. If you want me to show you love. If you want me to cherish you, adore you, and choose you everyday, you better bring it. Because if you don't the Universe has a funny way of removing people from your life who arn't deserving of you or your time.
I'm done messing around with trifling people. If people can't meet you where you are than those aren't your people. Just saying.
Dating apps. I'll think about it tomorrow.
Updated: Feb 6, 2021
#Covidtime Log Day 02052021
My friend Kimi likes to say, "Taking back an ex is like trying to shove poop back up your butt." However, I don't see people as poop, but I understand her sentiment. She thinks people who act like giant turd humans should not be allowed back into your life. I see people as flawed and broken humans who have lots of inner work to complete. How we choose to treat people is how we learned to treat people from our families. Particularly our parents. I believe when you're healing, like truly trying to get healthy, the Universe helps you by removing people from your life. People who may be toxic and hindering your self growth. And sometimes you’re the toxic person who needs to be removed from other people's lives. That's a thing too.
I've known Kimi for a long time since I was 25. We were reminiscing about one New Year's Eve and it was the beginning of a new relationship for her -- now ex -- of many years. We were at my friends house for a NYE gathering and as midnight was rolling around Kimi mentioned that this woman was at a Club in SF. I think Fairy Butch. It was a group of us and we decided you know what, let's go to the club, and then you can kiss her at midnight. We were romantics back then and I think we had just watched Notting Hill. We were already in the City, we just had to figure out if we could get across SF in time to get into the Club in time. I think my friend Tess was driving at the time and she said she could get us there. Trust her. IF you've been to SF getting across town on NYE is no small feet. I mean it could take a good hour if you get stuck in traffic and SF is only 7 miles long. I don't know exactly what time we left my friend's party, but I know that we were cutting it close. I think we just got to the club, let Kimi out so she could get in line, we parked, and got inside probably a few minutes before midnight. Now all Kimi had to do was find her in this packed club. Lol.
You'd be happy to know that they did find each other and were able to kiss as the ball dropped. I'm thinking the year is 2004/05. They stayed together for 8 years, however their breakup was terrible. When are breakups not? Just because we have happy memories with someone isn't a good reason to forget why you are no longer together. And sometimes people separate because they just aren't ready for each other and that's okay, too.
Don't stay where you're not wanted. Don't beg for someone to take you back. You're better than that. You deserve to be with someone who will cherish you and fall in love with you over and over again. You deserve someone who'll race across the city to kiss you at midnight on NYE. Because you're the prize! You are the star of your movie!